Do you know what it is like to have bipolar disorder? Have you ever experienced mania?
My mind is a constant battleground and I feel it every second of every day. This battle rages every second of every day that I am alive. The Bipolar Battle is the perfect name for it!
Even on medication, I can feel the tug both ways. There is hardly a reprieve and it takes its hold on my body. I feel the ebb and weave of energy, motivation, and desire for life. The aches and pains that are not really there can plague my body.
During times of stability, I feel the so-called “normal” ups and downs of the general population. My thoughts go through my head at a reasonable rate. I can comprehend what is happening and going around me. Plus, I know what is real and what is not. A pretty novel notion, right? Have you ever had to question if what is going on in front of you is there or not there (without drugs of course)?
Going into a manic episode is like an enormous wave building up in the ocean. It starts slowly and gets bigger from there. My thoughts are the same way. They start to speed up. I feel an electric energy in my body. Everything feels amazing and I feel that everyone deserves to hear my ideas. So, I start talking to everyone and everybody who will listen. Even the ones who do not want to listen!
My mind starts going so fast that I cannot get a hold of my thoughts. I must start talking fast and feel almost pressured because if I do not voice my thoughts, they fly right by on to the next one. These are called racing thoughts. The thoughts are going too fast. I do not feel much of a conscience because I cannot sit with my thoughts and think because they come and go in a heartbeat.
When thoughts are going that fast, you cannot sleep. I end up writing pages and pages while everyone is asleep. It is hard to explain the utter elation I feel towards the start of a manic episode. It is like being inside joy. Does that make sense?
This whole experience is called a “euphoric” mania by the medical community. It seems all excitement and thrilling, right? Well, that is part of it. Before I go on, please remember that everyone has their own experience with mania (who has bipolar disorder). This is simply my perspective. You can find a bunch of the symptomology of my experience in others’ journey as well.
After I have not slept in days while my mind is racing, I’m going at 1,000 miles per hour, and I am feeling great, things start to change. The past few manic episodes I have experienced are like the one I am describing to you.
My fun and exciting “euphoric” mania switches over to a “dysphoric” mania. Here, things start to fall apart for me. See, during the revved up and exciting part, I write, draw, workout and other physical activities quite a bit more than when I was stable. Now, my mind is almost numb. Thoughts continue to spiral out of control. The sleepless nights continue.
The muffled noise I heard in the background is really a voice. Not only do I hear one, but I hear two, three, and sometimes more. The walls start moving and dark figures that are not really there, start to emerge. I must stop for a minute because this can be utterly dreadful for me.
It is almost like I get a glimpse of the spiritual warfare going on in the world. Your religious and spiritual beliefs aside, I believe there is both good and evil in this world. This evil comes in the form of demons and the devil for me, during my dysphoric manias. They chase me, talk to me, and try to control me.
If I do not get pharmaceutical intervention as soon as possible, the situation just continues to escalate. I know some of you can relate. What has your experience been like with mania?
This past manic episode I went through lasted for about a month. It took a full-frontal assault to bring me back to reality and about five months of switching medication and support to recover. It is not one of those weekend trips to the spa and you miraculously feel better. If only it was that easy!
I have not always experienced dysphoric manias. Euphoric mania is the most common. If you would like to learn more about the other aspects of bipolar disorder, please click HERE.
If you are interested in a book that goes over what it is like to have bipolar disorder, click below to order the very first book I read on bipolar disorder. It is a memoir by Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind.
I also added two other books that I think you will enjoy. Pick them up and let me know what you think, ok?
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